Shebuah@newdaynews.com will get your own personal mad thoughts and crazy pics on line!
MADTHOUGHTS & JOKES
JOKE OF THE DAY: 11/12/01
A
Real Watch Dog
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye
dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor,
took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. They were confused and some
very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up
to the blind man and asked, ''Sir, what the hell are you doing!?!''
The man turned toward the teller and replied ''Looking around.''
October 27, 2001
MAD THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
"Ever meet someone who was so stupid, it was a miracle they had any teeth left?"
WHY I KNOW FLIES ARE STUPID:
It struck me out of thin air this morning as I ate my breakfast of cabbage salad. "If anyone tells me animals have intelligence, I have proof other wise." At least in the case of flies. Because when I finished making my salad, this fly landed on the bowl and began to obnoxiously crawl and fly on the bowl right in front of me. He just wouldn’t quit!
When I finally evicted him, I put a paper on top of the bowl so he couldn’t get at it when I dashed off to the bedroom to collect my best friend (Prozac).
Case in point? If the fly was smart, he would’ve waited until I left, then ate all he wanted. But maybe, just maybe, he was one of those "instant gratification" flies. Maybe my entrée was just too tempting. Or maybe it’s cause sometimes raw cabbage smells like poop.
WHY I KNOW PEOPLE ARE STUPID:
WHY I KNOW KIDS ARE STUPID:
They do really dumb things- things that are so dumb it makes me dizzy- and then think that they’re really talented when parents laugh and praise them.
WHY I KNOW PARENTS ARE STUPID:
They laugh and praise them.
WHY I KNOW PARENTS ARE STUPID: (PART II)
They tell you not to do things that they do all the time. And they think you’ll obey.
WHY I KNOW PARENTS ARE STUPID: (PART III)
They have kids. And think they’ll be sweet. Ha, ha, ha!!!
WHY I KNOW I AM STUPID:
My mom told me if I didn’t stop smoking, I’d get breast cancer and hafta get my tits cut off. I answered, "Oh well, if I got my tits cut off it wouldn’t make that much difference anyway." Then we started laughing.
WHY I KNOW I AM STUPID: (PART II)
I’m actually writing this.
WHY I KNOW MY SISTER IS STUPID:
She smokes. And she doesn’t even know she’s gonna hafta get her tits cut off.WHY I KNOW MY SISTER IS STUPID: (PART II)
She told me to throw away the dirty black dish drainer when I moved from D.C. "You can find another one of those anywhere." She said. Now I’m getting hives cause all I can find is green and white ones.
WHY I KNOW TEENAGERS ARE STUPID:
They go to the mall and buy something because everybody else has it, even if it looks dumb. Then they wear it, and wonder why people think they are stupid.
WHY I KNOW TEENAGERS ARE STUPID, Part II
They want to be "individuals." So they go out and do something odd to their face, wear a black tent or plaid saran wrap pants with baby pins in it and think, "Wow, I look cool." And they don't realize that all the other people doing the same thing think they're annointed too. Then they wonder why people look at them like they're freaks. LOL.
WHY I KNOW OLD PEOPLE ARE STUPID:
When you ask information they don’t know, they say something they think sounds smart so they won’t look dumb. Then you end up getting (lost, sick, hit, robbed), or looking dumb in front of somebody else.
WHY I KNOW OTHER PEOPLE ARE STUPID:
They tell me "their opinion" and think it makes them look smart. But they don’t realize I know they just repeated what someone told them.
WHY I KNOW OTHER PEOPLE ARE STUPID: (PART II)
They go out and spend a lot of money on a nice car, and then have to kiss ass at a job they hate for years to pay for it. How about this: Earn the money, Then get the car. What a concept. Then when your boss is a dick, you can quit.
WHY I KNOW I AM STUPID: (PART III)
I just cut a lethal fart and I’m still sitting here writing. That’s stupid.
MORE TO COME…STAY POSTED FOR MAD WISDOM ON THE FLY!!! (I have to go look for my teeth.)J
Speaking of Jesus and driving, here's another thought:
If you EVER see this, you just might be driving too fast.
Of course Psalm 91:1 says He will have his angels keep charge over you so you won't dash your foot against a stone, but what happens when your foot is sailing at 85 mph and then hits the car in front of you? Just a thought. (So try not to tempt the Lord thy God, and it's a good idea to pray before you travel.)
Email coordinator with your reactions to this story at: Shebuah@newdaynews.com
or post them on the board at: HOME, Toto, Home!
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"The Interruption." In this scenario, one of the Mario Brothers was carting me around the garage on a dolly among a group of rowdy friends when the unexpected happened! That Good 'Ol Laurel Home Cookin' got to me and a ripper interrupted my ride! Danny, the computer whiz is trying to hold back the cloud while someone else uses a broom. Melina ran to get the fire extinguisher. I was laughing so hard I couldn't get up & escape. As you can tell, I've been doing push ups too. How rad. Unfortunately, push-ups don't help me run any faster (from my self). |
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8/22/01 MADTHOUGHT:
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8-21-01 MADTHOUGHT
"Oh NO! The ants got Mr. Bigglesworth!"
Email coordinator with your reactions to this story at: Shebuah@newdaynews.com or post them on the board at:
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Everything was going cool until my conscience told me to go feed the dog. Lo and behold, he didn’t like what I fed him last night. "Just cause the beans were 4 days old doesn’t mean they’re not good enough!" I thought. "Especially when I put some chicken skin in." Whatever. Apparently the ants liked it, cause they were mackin’. "Damn it!" I muttered. "Those stupid ants will force me to commit insecticide." So I took the botchelized food into the house and dumped it in the trash. I could imagine the ants screaming, "No, no, help! I’m falling!" and "What’s going on here?! We’re all going to die!" I felt like Dr. Evil as I pictured the beans and chicken skin crushing them like a collapsing building squishes hapless humans. But then I thought, "Oh no. What if the ants thought positive and decided it was God’s WILL that they got thrown away, so then they could get all kinds of other stash, and invade the whole rest of the house!" The survivors would be all, "Bummer, dude, we got trashed." "Big time." "But God never takes one thing away..." "Oh yea, lets check out the scene!" "Woah, man, look what I found!" "Hyeah! Lets infiltrate. That ho will be sorry she ever dumped us." "Right on." Suddenly my stomach was queasy. My brain tortured me some more. "#@*$!#@! those ants! I bet they’re out for revenge now, and I’ll come back and the whole house will be teeming with armies of pissed off ..." Ok, time for a reality check. Thank God it was just another Madthought! |
It's not Paranoia if they really are after you!--MOF
(Madthoughts official findings)
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A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.
"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!" |
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PMS =
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS. LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!
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DEALING WITH PMS "Oh NO, Not AGAIN!"
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...AND YOU THOUGHT YOUR JOB WAS BAD...
A little humor from our friend Gary Larson on the FAR SIDE... |
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